Pinpointing Patterns
Okay, you’ve done the hardest part and now we are going to step back a bit and do some internal reflection of external events to look for patterns and problem solve so we can change behaviors and perceptions that we’re not happy with.
Remember our caution from the internal self-awareness course. Reflect but don’t ruminate. Brief reflection to seek to understand, look for patterns and change behavior have great value. Wallowing in the depths of your psyche and regrets will only bring you more of the same.
So, onward…
What not Why
The next stage of this is the what. When you analyze the what, you look at a specific negative situation or interaction and ask yourself what. So that’s not “Why did X result in Y”. We don’t ask why because why doesn’t tend to provide useful, actionable answers. Asking what get’s you to the heart of the matter. So for example, what could I have done to create a different outcome and therefore what can I do in the future to ensure this doesn’t happen again. What have I learned about myself here? Questions like these are great for both internal and external self-awareness and we’re going to practice them here.
For example, your best friend just became your ex-best friend. You know you had a role in it, you must have because she said you did. You know her well enough that you know that she wouldn’t just throw that out there. Is there any benefit to asking why this happened? Do you really fully understand why this happened? Or her version of why this happened? Highly unlikely. But can you figure out what happened?
I think you can. Ask yourself not only what happened but what you did to contribute to it and what you can do in future friendships so this doesn’t happen again.
Some things you may have learned:
She always initiated contact
You often backed out of plans
She found out about something you told another friend about her
You’ve made it clear you don’t like her boyfriend
Does this inform how you should have a relationship you want to keep going forward? I think so.
The idea of this is not that you take responsibility for everything that goes wrong in your world. It’s that you review sticky situations and amazing experiences so that you can have less of the former and more of the latter. Being clear on your role in the ups and downs of your life will make for a much better life. One that you can actually influence.
Let’s run through one of those situations now.
Click here to download the fillable self-awareness PDF before moving on.
It’s entirely possible that the person that you had the interaction with is not at all self-aware and that had that person done the work you’ve done, the outcome could have been much different. And that will come out in your reflection. The intention of this is not that you take 100% responsibility, it’s that you get clear on your role in the events and patterns in your life, especially around other people’s perceptions of you and how you show up. This is for your learning and growth 🎉.
And now what about your vibe?
