How Others See You
Other people generally see us more objectively than we see ourselves. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re right about us (though often they are) but it does mean that they have a clearer perspective on how we show up.
Do I even want to know how others see me?
Often, on one hand we’d like to know how others see us but on the other, we may be afraid to really find out. To avoid this we may tell ourselves, “I don’t need to ask for feedback, I know how I show up”.
Or you may want feedback because you know how it can impact our success but you worry that it will hurt.
Or you know that you need feedback but you just don’t want to do it.
Let’s agree to put those aside right now. Let’s be honest, you’re going to face some truths about yourself that you really don’t want to. You’re going to hear some things you don’t want to hear. But you’re going to hear some really affirming things too. And the stuff you’d really rather not hear? Well, if you verify it and accept it as truth and then deal with it, you are definitely going to experience a disruption in your life. A good disruption, maybe even a great disruption because you’ll move from unaware and therefore unempowered, to a level of awareness that can change the trajectory of your life, if you let it.
So, let’s begin.
It’s time for you to reflect on your reactions.
Reactions are how we respond to the world. Because we often don’t control a lot of things that affect us (just our response to it), when we analyze our reactions, they often reveal our strengths, weaknesses, and capabilities.
If we were the only people around to see our reactions, how we respond wouldn’t impact other people as much as it does. But that’s rarely the case, is it? There is usually at least one other person around to see us in all our emotional glory. Having the self-awareness to understand how we respond to different situations, therefore, will have enormous benefits for our relationships.
Now that you’ve reflected on your reactions, let’s have a closer look at their impact. Have you ever analyzed how your reactions and responses affect others? Our actions and behaviors will contribute to our impact, but they’re not the only factor. Our impact is also determined by how others think, feel, and react.
Click here to download the second fillable self-reflection PDF of this lesson.
We can ponder these questions, but we can’t know the full truth without asking for feedback. We impact people in more ways than we realize with our words and actions.
So, to start, raise your hand if you’ve ever felt misunderstood. I thought so. Why is there disconnect between our intentions and another’s perceptions? The reasons are many but one of the most common, and one of the few that you actually have control over, is the gap between how you think you’re showing up and how others actually see you. To help us see that more clearly, we’ll explore:
How we consistently think, feel and act in various situations
The emotional and physical behaviors we consistently demonstrate
The impact of our emotional and physical behaviors on others
For example,
Do you have someone in your life that talks “at you”? That can talk for an hour and a half straight without allowing you to get a single word in or asking you a single question?
How do we analyze that based on the three factors we want to explore?
I can’t say for sure how this person thinks and feels in these situations. But, I know how I perceive this person in these situations. I see that this person seems very wrapped up in their own thoughts, ideas, and life and has an outsized view of the degree of interest that everyone else has in their life. It appears that this person is not at all interested in anyone else’s thoughts, ideas, or lives. Now, I can also play amateur psychologist and try to determine what deep seated fears, beliefs, or insecurities this person has that is causing this but for the purpose of this exercise, that is really not relevant. We are simply looking at the what, not the why.)
What are the emotional and physical behaviors they consistently demonstrate? Constant talking about every minor detail about themselves and even the extremely mundane aspects of their life, at length.
The impact of this on others? A feeling of utter boredom, unease and a desire to escape. Everyone I know avoids talking to this person. Or being talked at by this person, rather.
Let’s look at an example from work:
You’re part of a small team at work. Seven people who all respect and enjoy each other. But there is one person on the team who is consistently negative about other team members’ work quality. Whenever she is working with someone one-on-one, she finds an opportunity to make passing negative comments about other team members. Or shares personal info about others that they’ve shared with her. Recently, she has noticed that she’s being excluded from group activities and that people aren’t connecting with her one-on-one.
How is this person perceived? As negative, as disloyal. Again, we don’t know for sure what this person’s motivation is in doing this we can only know how we see them act and how we perceive that.
What do they consistently demonstrate? Negativity and disloyalty.
What is the impact on others? Fear that the person can’t be trusted and is sharing the same types of information about them.
Take a moment to reflect on someone you know that you believe is not aware of how other people see them and consider the three questions above.
Click here to download the final fillable self-reflection PDF before moving on.
Analyzing how other people show up was just our warm up. It’s time to move on to the next lesson.
