Self-Sabotage Pt. 2 | WBT October 3, 2021
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WBT… About why we self-sabotage (and what to do about it.)
Last week we talked about how to know if we’re getting in our own way by sabotaging our plans, intentions, or goals. And shocker- most of us found that, at least to some degree, we actually are.
That’s not the sort of insight we usually love to get. BUT, when you know, you know. So now that we know we do it, we want to know how to quit. But you can’t figure out how to quit until you know why you do it. The reasons we self-sabotage are as different as we are. But it only takes a little self-awareness and self-reflection to figure it out. So let’s do that!
Your self-sabotaging behavior may be conscious or unconscious.
An example of conscious self-sabotage is when you say you want a relationship but never go to the places where you might possibly meet someone. You know what you’re doing, but you can’t seem to get yourself to do it differently.
An example of unconscious self-sabotage is when you say you want a new job but even when you schedule a time to prepare and send out resumes, you end up blowing through that time doing other things so that you just never seem to get around to it. In this case, you don’t realize what you’re doing until after the fact.
When we self-sabotage, it's always because we are meeting some inner need, whether we recognize it or not. The reasons we do this are as varied as we are but the way we figure this out is to analyze how it’s serving us. Of course in the long run it’s not serving us but it is serving something in us and fulfilling some need, and we have to identify what that is.
Often our solution to our self-sabotaging behavior is to get tough on ourselves and force ourselves through it. But this isn’t actually the answer. Instead, we need to come at this with compassion, acceptance, and understanding so that we can settle what it is within us that is holding us back.
To illustrate, if you want a relationship, you have to figure out why you’re avoiding opportunities to meet someone. What is it about having a relationship that you’re afraid of, or don’t want? If you want a new job, you have to figure out why you’re not taking the action you need to to get one. What’s making you uncomfortable or holding you back?
What can you do to understand why you do it? Ask yourself:
What do I need to do to fulfill my stated goal or intention?
What do I do that keeps me from doing that?
How do I feel when I’m doing that thing that sabotages me instead?
What need is doing that thing fulfilling in me?
Why am I choosing that over what will fulfill my goal or intention?
To really know this, you may have to dig deep. You may have to revisit these questions a few times. You may have to look back to your childhood, look through your relationships, look to your limiting beliefs. But once you figure this out, there will be no stopping you!
You got this!